Building Personal Resilience - Part 4 - Creating Rituals
“We are, What we repeatedly do, Excellence therefore, is not an act, but a habit”
Goethe said that and I couldn’t agree more. For me I find that the more I practice something, the better I get. The better I get at something, the more I want to do it! I believe there are three main reasons that explain why, when we’re good at something, we’re more motivated to do it.
1/ Mastery - we all strive to get better at something - it feels good to improve, to do something well. See Daniel Pinks book ‘Drive’.
2/ Ease - the better we get, the less effort it takes - and to some degree - we like to do those things that take less effort.
3/ ‘Oh Ya’ – a technical term for when we experience something we like and say ‘oh ya…I remember why I love this’.
Try this - think about something you love to do….got it? My guess is, if you put the modesty aside- you’re pretty good at it too.
Now think back… were you always good at it? Chances are, whatever it is - be it golf, math, yoga, listening, your job - there was a time when you may not have been as good at it - it took effort. But over time with practice, you got better and it became easier.
This is the power of ‘practice’, or what I called Rituals.
What do Rituals have to do with Personal Resilience or happiness?
As I mentioned in Part 1 of Building Personal Resilience, when we have an opportunity to practice those things most important to us, we experience life as more meaningful, important and fun. However, as we try to build those things back onto our busy lives, sometimes we feel we just can’t squeeze it in. We try once, give up and wonder why we it never gets easier. As Anthony Robbins says, ‘you can’t go to the gym once, and expect to be fit for life’.
So how do we make change or achieve our goals when things always seem to get in the way?
I’m going to suggest five easy steps:
1/ ‘pick one’ change you want to make - for example - I’m going to take my lunch each day, and go for a walk in the fresh air. Or I’m going to drink 5 glasses of clear water a day.
2/ Start Small - I didn’t say ‘think small’ - big goals are exciting, and stretch your comfort zone. However, if your goal is to lose 20 pounds and run a marathon by year end - and you haven’t run in a while - don’t make your first run a 5 miler and expect to do those 5 days in a row. Even if you can do it - you’re setting yourself up for an injury, burn out, or possible disappointment. Ease into it. Create a ‘practice’ that allows you to be consistent and build over time.
Perhaps you’re tired of always working through lunch and you miss being in nature. Go ahead and set your goal to go for a walk every day in the fresh air. But be willing to start off small.
Remember, success is motivating. How about 3 days a week to start? How about inviting a friend - or better yet – invite your boss!
3/ Stay With it - Things are going to get in your way - if it weren’t challenging, you’d probably already be doing your goal. So STAY WITH IT.
For example, let’s say you went for a walk at lunch on Monday and Wednesday but then Friday you get pulled into a last minute meeting. Don’t be hard on yourself - these things happen. Try going for a walk while you debrief the meeting with a colleague. Or go for a walk after work before jumping in your car for that relaxing commute. Pick it up on Saturday morning.
Bare minimum, let it go and promise to pick it up again on Monday.
Remember, life happens. Expect that challenges might show up, deal with it and move on.
4/ Celebrate Success - I dare you to celebrate your success! - Even the small ones. For example, when you go for that first walk at lunch, acknowledge what it took to do that - and congratulate yourself. From scheduling it, to perhaps having had to say ‘no’ to someone, for braving the cold, rain, or sun - whatever it took to get out there and breath fresh air. It may seem small but it’s important.
I remember when my son first started doing push ups - he could barely squeak out 10. Now he can drop down and do 60 push ups anywhere, anytime, easily! Do you think we celebrated the first time he did 10? You better believe it.
Now, celebration doesn’t have to mean a college marching band or sending out an all staff bulletin. Choose something that is right for you. It may be as simple as quietly saying to yourself ‘I did it, I knew I could’. For me it’s often as simple as saying ‘YES!’ and smiling.
5/ Rinse and Repeat - Success leaves clues, so whatever is helping you to create that ritual - keep doing it. For example, I know I need to drink more water. I’ve created a ritual where every morning when I wake up, the very first thing I do, is drink a full glass of crystal clear water. Then I say to myself “breakfast of champions”. Here is what happens. I’ve just put water into my system, which our whole system depends on. I’ve already completed a goal which makes me feel competent (even when it’s this small) and I’ve reinforced the likely hood repeating this habit. The more you do it, the easier it gets.
A few random ideas: if creating new habits were that easy - we probably wouldn’t need Weight Watchers, Personal Trainers or Coaches - we’d just do what needs to be done. But in real life, we are all balancing a multitude of competing priorities. Sometimes, we have the desire, but we may not have the ’strategy’ – we may not know ‘how’ to get success.
Here are some random ideas for some popular habits (rituals) that many people strive to create.
• Exercise before work. If you get pulled into that lunchtime meeting or have to work late – you’ve already got your workout in! ha! Take that!
• Tell a friend or two about your new habit. Often, we’ll do more for others than we will for ourselves. Ask them to check in on you – people love to help ‘others’ change.
• Invite your boss to go for that walk, run, or exercise class at lunch.
• Use Microsoft Outlook Calendar? - Set your default view to ‘Calendar’ - when you start your day - you’ll be looking at YOUR priorities, rather than incoming mail - which is everyone else’s priorities. (By the way, you can book time to read your emails).
• Have one Calendar – put Personal Goals right into your Outlook Calendar - create a recurring appointment with yourself to: take a walk, exercise, or perhaps plan (imagine). When someone comes up to say ‘I have to see you Wed at lunch’, you can honestly say, ‘I’m sorry, I already have an appointment booked for that time, let’s look at another time’.
• Buy yourself a nice water bottle and carry it with you. As you rush from meeting to meeting, it won’t matter whether you have time to grab a drink, you’ve got it with you.
• Prepare a healthy lunch the night before – when the morning rush comes, you’ve got it.
• Use the 4 D’s with email - Think of ‘each email’ as a real piece of paper sitting on your desk. Would you open, read, close it, then open, read, and close it? Probably not. Try this:
• Delete - if it is spam, nothing for you to do or remember - delete it.
• Do it – if you can reply with an answer, make an appointment, phone call, etc., do it.
• Delegate it - if it is some else who needs to take action – delegate it.
• Defer it - but careful here - deferring does not mean closing it and leaving it in your inbox - they just pile up. Instead, create an appointment or task with a date.
• Invite a friend, spouse, or family member to do join you in your new goal or habit. It creates kind of a mutual accountability where you’ll both be depending on the other, in a good way.
One more thing. When you create your ritual or practice – try setting a milestone.
Similar to step 2, ‘start small’ – set a goal to do your new habit for 7 days, or 1 month, or 3 months. Though your vision might be doing your new habit for life (yoga, running, losing weight) set your sites on something closer in.
Olympic Athletes do this – they set their sights on the next collegiate meet, then the Nationals, then the Western finals and so on. This allows them to celebrate wins, and track progress.
Try this:
What is one new habit you’d like to create? ___________________________________
What is one small step – you could do, to start? ________________________________
What is one challenge that might show up? ___________________________________
What is one strategy that will help you through this challenge? _____________________
Who could you tell, or invite to join you on your journey? _________________________
What is one way YOU will celebrate success? _________________________________
What can you do to stay the course? ____________________________________
I love to hear your goals, successes, and ‘failures’ too – god knows I have had lots.
Please email me your goals, and if you want me to follow up with you in support – just ask!
Cheers = matt@lidera.ca